Becca

I know that there are many people who have questions right now but don't know whether or not to ask or how to. Well let me start off by saying that we don't mind questions. You would be surprised at how much it helps for us to talk about Becca. She was only here for a very short time but our lives were changed forever by her. We had a sign that we were planning on hanging above her crib that said "Someday I will change the world." That was what we wanted for Becca. We had high hopes, dreams, and prayers for her. We knew that she would change the world one day but we had no idea it would happen in such a short amount of time.

For those that do not know the whole story I want to begin by explaining what exactly happened. Becca was born on July 19 at 10:05pm. She was born perfectly healthy in everyway. She was an alert and happy baby from the very beginning. This surprised some people but having carried her for 9 months and knowing how active she was already, I was not the least bit surprised. She had done everything before she was supposed to while I was carrying her. She started kicking, and kicking HARD, around 18 weeks and at my 14 week appt she had moved up so high that I was measuring at 26 weeks. So it was no surprise to me that not long after she was born she was keeping her eyes open and responding to Johnny's voice.

I had opted for a completely natural childbirth. I had Becca at a birth center in Lakeland, Celebrate Birth. I had absolutely no pain medicine at all and gave birth in a regular bed in a bedroom at the birth center. Johnny was with me the whole entire time helping me manage my pain. I had a long hard labor. I was in labor for about 3 days and pushed for 4 hours. I wouldn't trade that experience for the world. Even though it was the hardest most painful thing I have ever done, it was also the most rewarding! Having an all natural childbirth meant that I headed home about 3 hours after Becca was born. So I got home around 1 in the morning and Becca and I slept all night. The next day she slept on and off but stayed happy all day. That night when I was about to try and get some sleep for a little bit Becca started getting fussy. I decided to keep her out in the living room with me so that Johnny could sleep and made a deal with Johnny that he could take care of her when he woke up in the morning so that I could sleep. Becca stayed fussy all night long. We were struggling a little with feeding throughout the night and finally sometime around 5 we both fell asleep.

Right around 6 something made me wake up. When I looked at Becca I knew something was wrong. I couldn't see her chest rising so I listened close for breaathing. I couldn't hear anything so I began trying to wake her up and got no response. I went and got Johnny and we called 911. Now this is the part I won't talk about. What happened over the next hour and continued for the rest of the day is too hard for me to explain. Thinking about it gives me flashbacks that threaten to send me into a panic attack. I could live the rest of my life never seeing an ambulance again. All I will tell you is that they never did revive her.

Because Becca had passed while we were at home when the ambulance did arrive the sheriff's dept arrived with them. They had to do a full investigation which meant that Johnny wasn't able to go with me to the hospital. When he finally did arrive he said to me the thing that I least expected. He told me right away that is was going to be okay. He said it over and over again while he held me and finally when I couldn't take it anymore I pushed him away and said "it's not okay!" He just grabbed me and said "I know it's not, but it will be. God has a plan."

When this first happened, to be honest, I didn't really want to hear anything about God. While Johnny was telling me that he was trusting God through all of this I told him that I was glad he could because at that moment I wasn't sure if I could. While people around me were telling me that God was holding my baby for me the thing that was running through my head was, "I want her back." I couldn't even believe what had happened. All I had ever wanted in life was to be a mom. I had carried her for 9 months, taken super good care of myself and her, done everything a responsible parent should, and yet she was taken from me. I learned so much from this whole experience. I learned that life is so short and to appreciate what you have while you have it. I learned that life is too precious to get mad over things that don't really matter. But most importantly, I learned that God's love and grace have absolutely nothing to do with me.

Even though I wasn't looking for God at first, He kept reaching out to me. He showed me His love like I have never seen it before. I saw grace like I had never seen it before. Even though I was having a hard time trusting Him and believing in His will, He just kept showing me how much He loves me. God has done remarkable things through Becca's passing. He has completed changed me and Johnny. There have been so many miraculous things that never would've happened if it hadn't been for Becca's passing. Johnny and I would not have made perfect parents but we would've been good parents. Becca and our future children would have been well taken care of and grown up in a good home. But because of what God has done in me and Johnny, we'll be even better parents. I keep looking at the things that God is doing in our lives and wishing that Becca was here to experience it with us. But the thing that God gently reminds me is that if Becca was still here these things wouldn't be happening.

A few weeks before Becca was born I had poured out my heart to God and asked for something. Johnny had been really struggling with some things going on and was having a hard time trusting God with his life. I prayed that God would do whatever it took to show Himself to Johnny. While I was praying that I begged God not to let anything happen to Becca but said that if that's what it took, that I would do my best to trust Him with it. There's a verse that comes to mind that I've meditated on a lot since this happened. 2 Corinthians 12:9 "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness." We all know that part of the verse but we don't often quote the rest of it. "Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities that the power of Christ may rest upon me." Losing Becca is by far the hardest thing I have ever gone through. There is so much more I could go into to tell what God has taught me through this but the thing I want to share with you right now is this: Praise God in your storm. Before going through this I can't tell you how many times and I had said that and sang the well known Casting Crowns song. But I never really understood what exactly it meant until now. I've always thought that the reason we're supposed to praise God in the hard times was to make us thankful because there is always someone out there who has it worse. While that may be true, I don't believe that's the reason that we should "glory in our infirmities." I believe that the reason we should is because it strengthens our relationship with God. It is when we are at our absolute weakest, that we see how strong He truly is. That's when we see how much He truly loves us. The stronger He feels to us, the more we can trust Him. The more we see how much He loves us, the more we love Him.
I believe that everything that we go through in our lives is preparing us for something up ahead. God has made it very clear to Johnny and I that there is something great up ahead for us. We have completely surrendered our lives to the ministry and whatever God has for us. Right now we ask for your prayers as we seek God's will for our lives and decide what our next move is. Right now, we're trying to be still and listen for what God has to tell us. Phillipians 4:6-7 "Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication WITH THANKSGIVING let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."