Chapter 4 Wounded

This is the chapter where the book gets scary. If you're reading the book and you're not wanting to change... stop here! The change will be good, but it will be hard. You will release things you never even realized you were holding in. At least I did. This chapter brought a turning point for me. I could either stop right here and not leave my comfort zone or press on and have faith that God would bring me through what was coming. Thankfully I chose to press on and I've never regretted it! Alright, buckle up, it's gonna get rocky!
This is going to bring back memories for many of you if not all of you. We all have our wounds and many times we cover these wounds up before we even realize what's happening. Reading through this chapter uncovered many wounds that I thought were long gone. If I asked you to think back to a time one of your parents did something hurtful most of you would probably not have to think long. Our parents are only human after all and they mess up too. But what about those of us who dealt with hurtful things as a part of our life? It wasn't a one time thing or something that happened every once in awhile. It happened often... so often that you just quit paying attention to it. I have a wonderful relationship with my dad now but it has not always been that way. Some of this is hard to write about becuase I know my dad and family read this and the last thing I want to do is hurt them. But I believe that revealing certain things are necessary and I also think that my family will understand that God is wanting to use these things to help others. When reading through this chapter I remembered things that happened when I was a little girl that I hadn't thought about in years. I dont believe that at that point it was the devil trying to bring anger into my life like he has tried before. What was happening was the beginning of healing. But I'm getting ahead of myself...
How do you see yourself as a woman? Do you see yourself as lovely? Feminine? How you see yourself now is a result of what you felt you were seen as when you were a little girl. If you felt valued as a little girl you probably feel valued now. If you felt unworthy as a little girl then you probably struggle with feeling the same now. I love this line from the book. "Women learn from their mothers what it means to be a woman, and from their fathers the value that a woman has-- the value they have as a woman." I don't know about you but that sentence revealed so much to me. This is where it gets hard. The message given to me as a little girl was this. "You are not the most important thing to me and you shouldn't expect to be. I am stronger and more powerful than you so don't even think about ever questioning me." Did I learn this from my dad? Not completely, but alot of it yes. There's this story lingering in the back of my head... it's one of the ones that I thought about again while reading this chapter. Here goes...
When I was four years old I got sick and had to stay home from school. My mom went to work for awhile and my dad stayed with me. My dad and my brother had this thing where every sunday morning they would sit together in his chair and read the "funnies" or the comics. The dog would usually jump up there with them and they seemed to have a great time. Well my brother was at school and it was just me and my dad so I asked my dad if I could sit with him and read the paper with him. I can still remember the look that he gave me. He was shocked and didn't know what to say. For some reason I got brave that morning and begged him to let me sit with him while he read. He finally agreed to let me. But it wasn't long before the dog wanted to get up in the chair with him and suddenly there wasn't enough room. I had to leave to make room for the dog. Now before you go thinking about what a horrible thing that was for my dad to do, know this. My dad probably never had any idea of how badly that hurt. He probably thought nothing of it. In his mind he probably thought that I wanted our relationship as distant as it was. He thought that I had my special relationship with my mom and he had his with my brother. There were alot of hurtful things that happened when I was a little girl. But I know that none of them were intentional. My dad was doing the best he knew how to do. He was always a good man. He worked and provided for his family, he never beat us, and he made sure that we stayed in church. But what he didn't realize was that what I wanted most from him was himself. Now like I said... at 21 years old I'm blessed enough to have the right kind of relationship with my dad. When I've had a bad day and I can't reach my fiance Johnny right away I long for my dad. Through God's healing for both of us he's learned how to be my dad.
Maybe your story doesn't have a happy ending and maybe it does. Regardless, you still have wounds. Those wounds go straight to your femininity. You probably have no idea what to do about them. All you know is that they hurt so bad. You don't realize the effect they're having on your life but everyone else does. The worst part is that you probably feel like it's your fault. For most of my life I was constantly being told that I was too emotional. You know how I took care of that? I never let anyone see me cry. I became tough. I vowed to never be so vulnerable that someone could hurt me so bad ever again. You know how I did it? Everytime the emotions would get so bad I couldn't handle them I would go to the bathroom to cry. I felt safe there because I knew no one would barge in on me there. This trend carried on well into my adult life. When I would feel threatened or scared all of the sudden I would need to use the bathroom. I would run there and pour out my emotions. Then I would clean myself up and walk out like nothing had ever happened. Here's another great line... "The vows we make and the things we do as a result of our wounds only make matters worse." As time went on I built walls around my heart stronger than any army could break down. Here's one last line from the book I feel I have to share... "The wounds you have recieved have come to you for a purpose from one who knows all you are meant to be and fears you." Satan fears us revealing God's heart. So he does everything he can to destroy ours. That's what happened to me and that's what happened to you. And when you realize this and give it over to the only one who can defeat Satan, then and only then will you find healing. Think about your wounds and the things you have done as a result. That's what we'll focus on next week. Have a great weekend!
Cass

Chapter 3 Haunted by a Question

Sorry it's been so long since I've updated. There's so much going on right now and my life has been kinda hectic and crazy. I can tell it's been a long time since I've updated... I can't hardly remember how to type! This chapter is just as good as the rest. I love the title... Haunted by a Question. That question is this... Am I lovely? Don't you love that word? LOVELY. I do. It speaks so much more than just an outward beauty. Any woman can be beautiful on the outside... but it takes a lot to be lovely. I remember one time during church when I was about five years old I was sitting with my grandmother. She was giving me pens and paper from her purse to keep me busy and somehow I managed to get a hold of her lipstick. I had so much fun... and I remember thinking that she must not mind because if she did she would've stopped me. Well when she did catch me it became obvious that she did mind. Looking back on it I can see that I was trying to be lovely. Our society tells us that in order to be beautiful we have to wear make up. As little girls we're told that we don't need make up, but then we see all the older women around us that can't go without it. What exactly happens when girls become teenagers? Do they all of the sudden become ugly? In my honest opinion women do not NEED make up. It's about that age that we just get tired of wondering if we are beautiful and we think make up is the answer to our question. I do wear make up but I've never been the type to HAVE to wear it. Sure it enhances my features and I do think I look better with it. But I also think that I'm beautiful without it. Well, I do now. To be honest, I eventually just got to the point that I didn't care whether or not I felt beautiful. So what was the point in wearing make up? As I read this chapter I remember feeling puzzled. For so long I had been made to feel like it was wrong to strive for beauty. And now I was being told that God finds me beautiful. But it's so much more than just an outward beauty. God finds me lovely. He thinks that I'm beautiful inside and out.
Do you know what it is that brings this beauty out in me and you? It's when we quit trying to be something we're not. God did not ever intend for us to have to be "tough." Not that we should be weak and passive either. When we try to act like we don't need anyone to take care of us and that we can do anything we are not showing our true feminine beauty. Showing a false image of God is sin. Think about it. If you are the image bearer of God what kind of image are you showing others? Did you know that God wants to take care of you? As women we want most for our emotional needs to be taken care of. And we are always looking for a man to do that for us. God wants to do that for us. When we rest in Him and trust that He will take care of us our true beauty comes through. A woman at rest is truly a lovely woman. Think about the women in your life that you feel are truly lovely. Do they always look as if they are in a rush? Do they constantly question if they look alright? Do they seem as if they are constantly striving for something? Chances are they don't. If you haven't read this book I really encourage you to. I wish so bad I could just show you the whole chapter right here. The author does such a good job of explaining all of this.

Probably the best thing that I read in the whole chapter was about a woman's biggest fear. Abandonment. Just let that sink in for a moment. We are so scared that the people that we trust in our lives are going to fail us. I can speak about this from personal experience. I had a couple experiences in my life where I felt truly abandoned. It gave me a fear that has never been matched. I hate to be alone. Absolutely cannot stand it. I'm moving out of my mom's house in a week and will be living by myself for about 3 months before I get married. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I'm already getting scared. Well here's the thing friend. People will fail you and for you to expect them not to is unreasonable. They are human just as you are. But do you know who will never fail you? God won't! He is the only One who is completely capable of fulfilling your needs as a woman. He will always give you just what you need at the right time. The Bible is full of verses that proclaim this! When we put our trust in Him and in Him alone our fear of abandonment vanishes. He said He would never leave us nor forsake us. This excites me just thinking about it! It fills me with confidence and makes all my fears flee. And that is what true beauty really is. Trusting in our all powerful, loving, wonderful God. Just read your Bible and find as many promises from Him as you can. See what it does for your feminine heart.
I just want to take a moment to talk about a woman that is truly lovely to me. I've never been able to meet her in person and to be honest I haven't gotten to talk to her as much as I would like to. I"m not even sure if she reads this blog. What I do know about her comes from what others say and what I see on facebook. I really should get to know this person better, especially since she's my step sister, Jocelyn. She is a mother of three. But from everything I see she is not the image of a typical mother of three. It's not that she any less housework to do or that she has any more help than any other typical mother. But I can tell just from the little that I know her that she is resting in God. She truly enjoys life and loves being a mom. She is exactly what I hope to have with my family one day. I'm blessed to have other women in my life like this to but I just wanted to give a personal example.
This week think about that question... Am I lovely? Think about what your answer to that would be. Next we'll talk about what happens when we expect others to answer that question for us instead of taking it to God. This is something that I have personally experienced and you probably have too. Now I want us to learn about what to do about it. Have a great week!
Cass