This is the chapter where the book gets scary. If you're reading the book and you're not wanting to change... stop here! The change will be good, but it will be hard. You will release things you never even realized you were holding in. At least I did. This chapter brought a turning point for me. I could either stop right here and not leave my comfort zone or press on and have faith that God would bring me through what was coming. Thankfully I chose to press on and I've never regretted it! Alright, buckle up, it's gonna get rocky!
This is going to bring back memories for many of you if not all of you. We all have our wounds and many times we cover these wounds up before we even realize what's happening. Reading through this chapter uncovered many wounds that I thought were long gone. If I asked you to think back to a time one of your parents did something hurtful most of you would probably not have to think long. Our parents are only human after all and they mess up too. But what about those of us who dealt with hurtful things as a part of our life? It wasn't a one time thing or something that happened every once in awhile. It happened often... so often that you just quit paying attention to it. I have a wonderful relationship with my dad now but it has not always been that way. Some of this is hard to write about becuase I know my dad and family read this and the last thing I want to do is hurt them. But I believe that revealing certain things are necessary and I also think that my family will understand that God is wanting to use these things to help others. When reading through this chapter I remembered things that happened when I was a little girl that I hadn't thought about in years. I dont believe that at that point it was the devil trying to bring anger into my life like he has tried before. What was happening was the beginning of healing. But I'm getting ahead of myself...
How do you see yourself as a woman? Do you see yourself as lovely? Feminine? How you see yourself now is a result of what you felt you were seen as when you were a little girl. If you felt valued as a little girl you probably feel valued now. If you felt unworthy as a little girl then you probably struggle with feeling the same now. I love this line from the book. "Women learn from their mothers what it means to be a woman, and from their fathers the value that a woman has-- the value they have as a woman." I don't know about you but that sentence revealed so much to me. This is where it gets hard. The message given to me as a little girl was this. "You are not the most important thing to me and you shouldn't expect to be. I am stronger and more powerful than you so don't even think about ever questioning me." Did I learn this from my dad? Not completely, but alot of it yes. There's this story lingering in the back of my head... it's one of the ones that I thought about again while reading this chapter. Here goes...
When I was four years old I got sick and had to stay home from school. My mom went to work for awhile and my dad stayed with me. My dad and my brother had this thing where every sunday morning they would sit together in his chair and read the "funnies" or the comics. The dog would usually jump up there with them and they seemed to have a great time. Well my brother was at school and it was just me and my dad so I asked my dad if I could sit with him and read the paper with him. I can still remember the look that he gave me. He was shocked and didn't know what to say. For some reason I got brave that morning and begged him to let me sit with him while he read. He finally agreed to let me. But it wasn't long before the dog wanted to get up in the chair with him and suddenly there wasn't enough room. I had to leave to make room for the dog. Now before you go thinking about what a horrible thing that was for my dad to do, know this. My dad probably never had any idea of how badly that hurt. He probably thought nothing of it. In his mind he probably thought that I wanted our relationship as distant as it was. He thought that I had my special relationship with my mom and he had his with my brother. There were alot of hurtful things that happened when I was a little girl. But I know that none of them were intentional. My dad was doing the best he knew how to do. He was always a good man. He worked and provided for his family, he never beat us, and he made sure that we stayed in church. But what he didn't realize was that what I wanted most from him was himself. Now like I said... at 21 years old I'm blessed enough to have the right kind of relationship with my dad. When I've had a bad day and I can't reach my fiance Johnny right away I long for my dad. Through God's healing for both of us he's learned how to be my dad.
Maybe your story doesn't have a happy ending and maybe it does. Regardless, you still have wounds. Those wounds go straight to your femininity. You probably have no idea what to do about them. All you know is that they hurt so bad. You don't realize the effect they're having on your life but everyone else does. The worst part is that you probably feel like it's your fault. For most of my life I was constantly being told that I was too emotional. You know how I took care of that? I never let anyone see me cry. I became tough. I vowed to never be so vulnerable that someone could hurt me so bad ever again. You know how I did it? Everytime the emotions would get so bad I couldn't handle them I would go to the bathroom to cry. I felt safe there because I knew no one would barge in on me there. This trend carried on well into my adult life. When I would feel threatened or scared all of the sudden I would need to use the bathroom. I would run there and pour out my emotions. Then I would clean myself up and walk out like nothing had ever happened. Here's another great line... "The vows we make and the things we do as a result of our wounds only make matters worse." As time went on I built walls around my heart stronger than any army could break down. Here's one last line from the book I feel I have to share... "The wounds you have recieved have come to you for a purpose from one who knows all you are meant to be and fears you." Satan fears us revealing God's heart. So he does everything he can to destroy ours. That's what happened to me and that's what happened to you. And when you realize this and give it over to the only one who can defeat Satan, then and only then will you find healing. Think about your wounds and the things you have done as a result. That's what we'll focus on next week. Have a great weekend!
Cass
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